


It's Never Home Unless You're Here

by illogicalkat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Happiest Season, Christmas Party, Coming Out, Human Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Meet the Family, Past Crowley (Supernatural)/Dean Winchester, Past Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester, Soulless Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:13:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28162983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illogicalkat/pseuds/illogicalkat
Summary: Cas is looking forward to meeting his boyfriend's family this Christmas. There's just one thing Dean forgot to mention: his family doesn't know he's gay, let alone in a relationship with Cas.A Happiest Season adaptation.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 97





	It's Never Home Unless You're Here

**Author's Note:**

> I watched _Happiest Season_ on Hulu the other day, and immediately thought, _this is awesome, but I need a version with Castiel as Abby and Dean as Harper._  
>  Here is what resulted from that.
> 
> This is the first fanfic I have posted to AO3, and the first I have written in over a decade. I have no beta, all mistakes are my own.  
> Title comes from the song, "Think of Christmas" by Anne-Marie

“I’m really excited to finally meet everyone. I haven’t had a family Christmas in years,” Cas enthuses when he sees the exit signs for Lawrence. 

Dean’s grip on the wheel tightens, his brow pulling in the way it does when Dean is about to deal with something unpleasant. Until now, Cas has only seen that look when housebreaking their dog resulted in a mess to clean up. Cas isn’t sure why he’s seeing it on the drive back to Lawrence, to spend Christmas with Dean’s family.

“Dean? You seem really tense, is everything ok?”

Dean takes a deep breath before speaking. “So, remember when I told you that I came out to my parents a long time ago, and I told them we were dating, and they were really happy for us?”

Cas nods.

“Okay, well that wasn’t entirely accurate. I…didn’t tell them.”

Cas tilts his head to look at Dean, whose expression has morphed from unpleasant to fearful. 

“You mean you didn’t tell them we were dating?”

Dean pulls his Chevrolet to the side of the road and places the car in park. His eyes close for a moment, then open, green irises somewhat glassy as he forces the words out.

“I never told them I’m gay.”

Cas inhales sharply. Of all the things he imagined his boyfriend could say, this is not one of them. Dean doesn’t hide who he is at work, nor around their neighborhood. Yes, they live in Kansas City, not Los Angeles or New York City, but their city is still quite liberal. So is Lawrence, for that matter, so why wouldn’t Dean…

“It’s just. My parents, they have this idea of how the family is supposed to look, and every time I’ve tried to tell them it just…never seems right. This isn’t fair, is it?” Dean asks.  
Later, Cas will blame his next words on shock, or a lack of caffeine, or dizziness from not eating lunch. Now, though, he just wants to show Dean that he loves him, so he says, “We can do this. It’s five days, how bad can it be?”

\--

The Winchester’s house is immaculately, professionally decorated. A massive tree dominates the living room, with lights perfectly strung and white, red, and gold ornaments placed so precisely Cas is sure if he took a ruler and measured, they would all be the exact same distance from each other. 

“Mom,” Dean greets his mother with a kiss on the cheek – no hug, Cas notices, which surprises him; Dean is always very affectionate towards him. Dean turns towards Cas and smiles. “Mom, this is Castiel.”

Cas steps forward, smiling, manners impeccable (his mother would be proud, he’s certain of this). “Mrs. Winchester, thank you for inviting me into your home.”

Mary gives him a faint smile, then turns back to Dean. “Let’s get you set up in your room, shall we?”

Following Mary and Dean up the stairs, Cas notes the framed photographs lining the walls. School portraits, mainly; he recognizes Dean, as a teenager, in graduation cap and gown. There is another young man in graduation robes, closed-lip smile almost a sneer. He suspects this is Sam, which is confirmed when the next picture is a wedding portrait of the same man and a dark-haired woman. Cas looks for photographs of Adam, the youngest of the brothers, but he sees none. 

Cas notices that Mary and Dean have moved down the hall and hurries to catch up to them. 

“I changed the sheets for you already, and I stocked your bathroom with your favorites, so you should be all set for the week. I am so happy you’ve come home for Christmas, this year will be perfect,” Mary gushes at Dean. 

Dean looks up when Cas enters the room and smiles. “It’ll be great, Mom,” he says, setting his suitcase on the bed. “How’s about we start unpacking?”

Mary turns and startles a bit, surprised to see Cas in the doorway. “Oh, Castiel. Let me show you to your room.”

Dean opens his mouth as if to object, then shrugs. He mouths, _love you,_ as Mary leaves the room. Cas smiles back at Dean and turns to follow Mary. He can tolerate sleeping in a guest room. They can sneak moments together, after everyone else is asleep. 

Mary leads Cas down the main staircase, through the hall to the kitchen, and down another staircase to the basement. At the bottom of the stairs, she opens a door to what appears to be a storage room with a full-size bed taking up the middle.

“This used to be Adam’s room,” she says by way of explanation. “There’s no lock on the door – we couldn’t trust him with one – but of course you’ll have total privacy, no one will bother you down here.”  
With that, she disappears up the stairs. 

\--

Sam and Ruby arrive with their children, Ava and Andy. On the surface, they are the picture-perfect family, but Cas swears he sees flashes of malice in Ruby’s eyes when she looks at Sam, and Sam doesn’t look so much as glare at everyone with suspicion. It makes for a very uncomfortable round of introductions, which is only made worse by the arrival of the youngest brother, Adam.

It isn’t Adam’s fault; Dean has already told Cas. Adam is Dean and Sam’s half-brother, the result of an affair John had while Dean was still in middle school. Adam’s mother died in a car crash when Adam was very young, and although Dean never said anything about how his mother handled raising a stepson she learned about when social services brought him to her front door…well, the basement bedroom and the way Mary never quite looked at Adam, spoke volumes. 

Cas understood losing a parent, of course. His mother, Naomi, had passed right after his freshman year of college. His father was still alive, albeit absent; Naomi had divorced him when Cas came out to his parents at fourteen years old, and Zachariah had been…less than supportive. Naomi said they were better off, and Cas knew for certain they were happier. 

Maybe John is warmer than Mary, Cas mused. Dean rarely said anything about his family, and Cas is beginning to understand why. 

As if summoned by the thought, John sweeps into the kitchen where everyone is gathered. He greets Mary with a kiss, smiles at Adam, nods at Sam, and then clasps a hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean appears to grow two inches taller at this and beams at his father, before turning to introduce Cas.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”

“Castiel, nice to meet you. I’m glad Dean has a friend in Kansas City. We’re real proud of him, he’s done very well for himself.” Dean practically preens from this praise.

“Sammy could have done great things,” John continues, either oblivious or uncaring for the way Sam stiffens. “He graduated from Stanford, summa cum laude, and then he decides to work for some environmental lobbyist. Wasted potential, there. And Adam’s a nurse’s aide, or whatever they call it these days. Could’ve been a doctor, but he doesn’t have the drive.”

Adam slumps at this, mumbling to no one in particular, “I’m graduating with my BSN this spring, just had to pay my own way through school.”

Cas is shocked at this revelation. The Winchesters are clearly well-to-do, if their house is any indication. And he knows Dean didn’t take any student loans to complete college, that his parents covered his tuition and living expenses. Did they use Adam’s college fund to pay for Sam’s Stanford degree? Or did they just not have a college fund for Adam to begin with? 

_It’s not my business,_ Cas tells himself. 

\--

That evening finds the family, minus Sam and his household, out to dinner. Mary looks to object when she sees Cas join them but says nothing. Cas shakes off the feeling that he’s an interloper and vows to make his mother proud by being his most polite and charming. 

When they arrive at the restaurant, John announces to the hostess they have a reservation. “Winchester, party of five,” he boasts, then flashes a smile that Cas recognizes as one he’s seen from Dean. It’s a camera-ready smile, not a sincere one, but brilliant, nonetheless. 

As the hostess is seating them, Mary leans in and says, “I think we’re going to need another chair.” A moment later, a stunning brunette in a black dress approaches the table. 

“Mary? Good to see you, Merry Christmas,” the woman greets, then turns. “Dean! It’s wonderful to see you again!”

Mary is smiling at the new arrival, gesturing to the chair next to Dean and nudging Cas out of the way. “Lisa, what a surprise to see you here! Please, join us,” she invites.

Lisa gracefully lowers herself to Cas’ chair, ignoring his presence. “You said the reservation was at seven,” she says.

The hostess returns with a folding chair and another place setting. “Sorry,” she apologizes to Cas, “this is all we have.” 

Cas smiles and thanks her. It certainly isn’t her fault that he’s intruding on this family dinner. He’s pretty sure it isn’t his own fault, either.

Dinner continues with the evening’s awkward theme, with Mary gushing over Lisa and remembering anecdotes from when Lisa and Dean dated in high school. John largely ignores the table, instead focused on his phone. Cas chats with Adam about Adam’s work as a nursing assistant and how he has worked his way through nursing school. 

“I only have nine credits left, and I’ll graduate in May,” he concludes at the same moment Mary shifts her attention from Dean and Lisa.

“Are you on about school again, Adam? I thought you’d put that to rest by now,” she chides. “John, I think we’re ready to go, don’t you agree?”

Cas looks at Dean, who is laughing at some joke Lisa has shared. Dean glances over and shrugs, the “what can you do” clear in his gesture. Cas pushes aside whatever emotion bubbles up when Dean helps Lisa into her coat and agrees to seeing her at tomorrow evening’s party. This is an old friend, of course Dean will want to say hello if they’re at the same social function. It would be rude not to. 

John goes to retrieve the car from the parking lot. Mary and Adam head off to the restrooms, while Cas and Dean wait in the lobby. Cas notices Dean tense a second before he speaks.

“Crowley.”

Cas whips his head around. Crowley? Before them, an impeccably dressed man stands, observing Dean. 

“Dean. Nice to see you again. Who’s your…friend?” 

Dean isn’t moving. Cas clears his throat, about to introduce himself, when Dean unclenches his jaw and shakes himself.

“This is Castiel Milton. Cas, Fergus Crowley.”

Any further attempts at introductions or conversation are interrupted by Mary’s return. She offers Crowley a smile.

“Fergus, nice to see you. Your mother tells me you’ve received tenure at KU, well done. Boys, John is waiting.” With that, Mary heads through the doors, expectation to follow clear.

“See you around, Dean,” Crowley offers as Dean tugs Cas behind him.

\--

The next morning, Cas wakes with the distinct feeling of being watched. He opens his eyes to find Ava and Andy glaring at him, perfect copies of their parents.

“Why are you in our room?” Ava demands. 

“I-“

“Get out, we want to play here,” Andy says, and Cas finds himself grabbing clothes to dress in the bathroom.

As Cas is hastily pulling the quilt into place, not wanting to leave the bed unmade, Mary breezes into the room. So much for privacy, Cas thinks. He quickly makes his escape into the bathroom, and heads upstairs in search of coffee. 

\--

In the kitchen, Ruby snarks questions at Adam about his job. Adam answers honestly but in clipped phrases, clearly looking for an escape route. He brightens upon seeing Cas and brings a fresh cup of coffee to the table. Cas smiles his thanks and asks where Dean is. 

“He’s helping Mom set up for the family photo,” Adam answers. “It could take a while.”

Ruby snorts. “He’s not wrong,” she says. “Mary is very exacting with the family Christmas portrait.”

\--

Cas finds himself back in the basement bedroom, thankfully devoid of children. He flops on the bed, pulls out his phone, and calls Charlie, on the pretense of checking on his dog. If he’s also hoping for a friendly voice for a moment…well, no one else needs to know that. 

Of course, Charlie’s perception is sharper than most, especially when it comes to Cas. The conversation lasts all of a minute before she asks, “What is going on? You sound decidedly not-cheerful.” 

Cas barks out a laugh, then sighs and answers with the truth. “This was a bad idea. Dean’s parents think he’s straight and that I’m just his roommate, and I suspect they think I’m straight too.” 

If it wasn’t for the sound of Miracle’s gentle _whuff_ on the other end, Cas would be sure Charlie had hung up. He is not sure that she hasn’t dropped the phone in shock. 

“Cas? Do you want me to come get you?” Charlie is serious, and Cas almost wants to say yes. Almost.

“No, Charlie, I…I don’t think I’ll be proposing on Christmas morning like I’d planned to, but I want to stay here. With Dean. Or, close to him, anyway.” Hearing footsteps on the stairs, Cas decides to wrap this conversation up. “I’m gonna go, send me some pictures of my pup, will you?”

Charlie responds with an affirmative and ends the call. 

No sooner has the call ended, than the door opens to reveal Sam, blocking the doorway and effectively trapping Cas inside. The expression on Sam’s face transmits distrust and determination, like Sam suspects Cas of something nefarious and intends to discover what that something is. 

“How long have you been living with Dean?” Well, that’s to the point.

Cas replies, “I moved in right after Dean’s birthday, so almost a year.” 

Sam’s eyes narrow even further, his lips purse again and he asks, “You moved into Dean’s apartment? Isn’t it just one bedroom?” 

Cas catches his breath, tries not to panic. He doesn’t want to lie, but he also doesn’t want to out his boyfriend like this, while being interrogated by the scary brother who could probably crush Cas without breaking a sweat. “Well,” Cas stammers, “the, uh, the closet is actually quite spacious, once we took out the shelving units, and I’m always working anyway, so I don’t really need a whole lot of space, and uh-“

Thankfully, this conversation is interrupted by Ruby coming downstairs and snapping at Sam that the children need supervision. Sam’s jaw clenches for a moment, then his lips stretch into an expression that could be a smile or perhaps a warning snarl, and he turns and stalks up the stairs. Cas exhales and collapses on the bed. He isn’t going to make it three more days. 

\--

This evening is the big party at the Club, the one hosted by one of John’s business associates. Dean wears the suit his mother had ordered just for tonight, perfectly tailored for him. Cas wears his own suit with a blue tie, the one Dean says makes his eyes look like the ocean, which he never can quite tie properly. Dean fixes it for him, like always, and insists that Cas check his trench at the coat check. “You won’t need it inside, it’ll be plenty warm, Cas.” 

They’re not there two minutes before Lisa, dressed to kill in a lace and velvet cocktail dress, greets Mary and John before turning to Dean. “I’m so happy you came tonight, Dean, we’ll have to dance later.” 

Dean doesn’t refuse, Cas notices. Adam tries to greet Lisa, too, but he is ignored as usual. Dean sees a few of his friends from school and waves, then heads over to their table. A few handshakes and bro-hugs and Dean is laughing and joking like he’s back in high school. Almost an afterthought, Dean sets down his drink and gestures for Cas. “Fellas, this is my friend Cas, he’s visiting this year.” Dean’s friends introduce themselves and promptly ignore him – Benny, Cas caught that name at least, and Lee, he thinks, and…Gadreel, was it? 

Feeling distinctly out of place, Cas starts to excuse himself before realizing no one will notice if he just leaves. He heads to the bar, orders a whiskey sour. A redheaded woman comes to stand beside him, introduces herself as April. Starts asking him questions, interspersed with laughter. Is…is this a flirtation? Cas wonders, then decides it must be when April asks if Cas won’t buy her a drink. “I’m…please excuse me,” Cas mutters and slips away. 

The buzzing of his phone prompts him to duck onto the patio. He glances at the caller ID and answers, “Hey, Charlie. Is everything okay?” 

“Calm down, Miracle, _down, boy!_ Hi, Cas, everything’s fine, I just said the w-a-l-k word and he’s going nuts now,” Charlie answers. “So, the man hosting the party you are at owns a predatory lending company that is partly responsible for the housing market crash in 2008. Which begs the question, just what are you doing there?”

“Charlie…how do you know where I am?” Cas looks around, half expecting his friend to burst from behind a topiary. He is alone on the patio.

“I’m tracking your phone, you know that. Okay, so, how are things going? Has Dean come out yet? Did you speak to John about getting married?” In the background, Cas can hear Miracle whining. In that moment, he wishes he were back in Kansas City, in his apartment, with his dog, and Dean, just the three of them. Four, when Charlie comes over (she always comes over for hot cocoa and movies, it’s been their thing since college).

Cas sighs, stares at the darkened sky, wishing to keep the tears at bay by pure force of will. “I’m…not good. Dean is in there with his friends from high school, they’re drinking and having a good time and Dean’s high school girlfriend is here and his mom is pushing them together and I’m clearly not wanted here. Maybe I should just come home.”

There’s a pause on the other end of the line. Cas checks to make sure the call is still connected. “Charlie? You there?”

“Yeah, Cas, I’m here. Look, you can come home if you want, we’ll do our usual Christmas thing, and you can leave Dean to deal with his family by himself. Or you can stay there, maybe try to talk to him? I doubt he’s intentionally ignoring you, maybe he just needs his ass kicked into gear. Actually, I know he needs his ass kicked into gear. So, talk to him. And I’ll come down there myself if I have to.”

“Thanks, Charlie. I hope it won’t come to that. But thank you. I’ll…” Cas glances around, he’s still alone on the patio. “I’ll go find him now. Have a good evening, give Miracle a hug for me, okay?”

Cas pockets his phone and fidgets with his tie, ruining the perfect knot Dean made earlier. Maybe it’ll draw his attention, and isn’t that pathetic that Cas feels he has to compete for his boyfriend. 

Crowley slinks around the corner, old-fashioned glass in his hand, dark liquid swirling inside. 

“I was out here before you, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” Crowley says. “I can relate, though.”

Cas looks at Crowley, head tilting slightly to the side. “What do you mean?”

Crowley smirks, looking for…something, then straightens when he doesn’t find it. “Nothing. Enjoying the party?”

The door opens behind them and Dean’s voice floats across the night air. “Cas, you out here?”

Cas shakes himself, then nods at Crowley. “Enjoy your evening,” he says, before rushing back inside.

\--

That night, Dean sneaks down to visit Cas after everyone is asleep. “I missed you,” he whispers, sliding under the quilt. “And I can’t go another moment without kissing you.” 

Cas doesn’t even have time to smile before Dean captures his lips in a kiss. 

“How well soundproofed is this room?” Cas asks.

“Not well at all, but I’m sure you can be quiet,” Dean answers. Cas grins, accepting the challenge.

\--

Cas wakes up rested, feeling better than he has since he arrived in Lawrence. Sunlight filters through the glass block window just below the ceiling, and he feels…warm. Safe. Secure. The way he feels every day he wakes up in Dean’s arms. 

Dean’s arms, which are still wrapped around him. 

And someone is rapping on the door. 

Cas nudges Dean just as Mary’s voice asks, “Castiel? Why did you block the door?”

Dean’s eyes fly open and he throws back the quilt, scrambling for his boxers. Cas hastily pulls his own shorts on, and the t-shirt he finds, hoping it’s his and not Dean’s. 

“Um. Mrs. Winchester? I just…I didn’t want to sleepwalk and embarrass anyone,” Cas calls out. Dean swallows a sound that might be either a snort, or a panicked squeal, and rolls off the far side of the bed. 

“You sleepwalk? I wish you had told me that before, that’s very dangerous. Can you open the door?”

Cas moves aside the storage bin Dean had shoved against the door last night and opens the door. “Yes, sorry, I don’t usually disclose my medical history to anyone but my doctor, I’m sure you understand.” 

Mary stands in the doorway, Sam looming behind her, the twins on either side of him. Sam’s eyes narrow again, making him appear even more suspicious (Cas wouldn’t be surprised if Sam has already hired a PI to run a background check on him yet). Mary seems surprised, whether at Cas’ confession or the soft rebuke at her prying. She recovers immediately, though, brushing past him and heading for the storage racks against the wall. 

“The twins wanted Adam’s old Gameboy,” she says, digging into a plastic bin labeled “Adam: Toys.” 

Cas glances at the bed, hoping, praying Dean stays out of sight. Once again, he doesn’t want Dean to be outed quite like this. From his vantage point, Cas sees nothing out of place except the quilt rumpled to the side…and there goes Ava, tugging the corner towards her.

“You didn’t make your bed yet,” she accuses Cas. “You have to make your bed every morning.”

Cas lunges towards the bed and grabs the quilt from her. “You are absolutely right, Ava. I just woke up, though, and didn’t get a chance yet. I’m fixing it now, see?” 

Sam still occupies doorway, staring at Cas, eyes calculating. 

“Got it!” Mary calls triumphantly, holding up the video game. “Okay, kids, let’s go upstairs and let Castiel clean up after himself.” 

Thankfully, the twins turn and head up the stairs, Mary behind them. Sam, however, remains.

“I don’t like the idea of you trying to barricade this room,” Sam states. 

Cas bristles, he can’t help it. “As I said, I didn’t want to disturb anyone. And I didn’t want another rude awakening from a pair of kindergartners who think it’s funny to poke at people while they sleep. I wouldn’t want to call out any poor habits in front of their parents or grandparents, after all. That might be perceived as rude.”

Sam’s jaw tightens again, then he turns and leaves, taking the stairs two at a time. When Cas is certain no one is coming back downstairs, he closes the door and collapses against it.

“What the hell, Cas?” 

Cas starts. This is not the reaction he expected. “Excuse me?”

“You didn’t have to be rude to Sam,” Dean replies, straightening up from his hiding spot. “I get that you’re not happy being stuck in the basement, but at least we’re under the same roof, okay?” 

“We could have gotten a hotel room, Dean, then we’d be under the same roof and in the same bed and wouldn’t have to sneak around and hide so much,” Cas snaps in reply. 

Dean takes a step back. “Is that what this is about? I thought I explained this already, Cas, it’s just not the right time to tell them, okay? I will, soon, I promise, just not yet. I need a little more time, okay, babe?” 

A headache is coming, Cas can feel it. He doesn’t want to make things worse; he doesn’t want to upset Dean, he doesn’t want to cause a scene with the Winchesters. 

Defeated, Cas raises his hands in surrender. “Okay, Dean. I hear you. Why don’t you sneak back upstairs and get dressed, I’ll meet you in the kitchen for coffee? I could really use a cup. Or five.”

Dean smiles and wraps Cas in a hug. “Thank you, Cas. I love you.”

\--

Twenty minutes later, Cas is questioning whether he should have crawled back into bed and stayed hidden for the rest of the day. Ruby and Sam are engaged in what appears to be silent warfare, smiling at each other over their coffee mugs but glaring daggers when one looks away. Adam is busy pulling a batch of cookies out of the oven, another baking sheet ready to go in. Ava and Andy are spooning sugar over their cereal whenever their parents are looking elsewhere, and Mary makes note after note on what appears to be a shopping list. 

Dean slips into the kitchen with a “morning, Mom,” before pouring himself coffee and taking a seat next to Cas. 

“Dean, I’m glad you’re awake finally. I have a list of errands for today and tomorrow,” Mary says. 

Adam turns from where he is lining cookies up on cooling racks. “I thought I was going to take care of those,” he says. 

Mary rolls her eyes and looks pointedly at Dean. “I need to make sure everything is perfect for the White Elephant party tomorrow, so Dean is going to handle it.”

Dean smiles at his mother, then turns to Adam. “We’ll take care of it together, how’s that?” Adam grimaces but nods, returning to his cookies. 

“What will you do with yourself today, Castiel?” Sam asks. 

Cas tries not to shrink into his seat. He might even manage it. 

“I’ll go shopping for this white elephant gift,” he answers carefully.

\--

Four hours later, Cas finds himself in line at a crowded coffee shop, wondering again if he should just get on a bus back home. Dean had disappeared immediately after breakfast, without so much as a “see you later, Cas.” Shortly after that, Mary had suggested that Castiel head into town, as the shopping district was a bit of a walk from the house. 

Cas had brought the winter zip-in lining for his coat, at least, and he had thick socks and decent walking shoes, so at least he wouldn’t be miserable in the Kansas December weather. But, oh, that had hurt. Cas is pretty sure his own mother would not have treated a guest like that, even one she didn’t like. 

The walk into town was indeed a hike, at four and a half miles. And once he had arrived, Cas had no idea what to get for the White Elephant gift exchange that Mary kept talking up like it was the highlight of the season for Lawrence society. He had wandered from shop to shop, staring at the various holiday-themed baubles and trinkets, questioning how he would be perceived for giving a tartan plaid throw pillow or set of local artisan-made wooden coasters. 

After placing his order, Cas pulls out his phone to check for messages. Nothing from Dean, but Charlie has sent a selfie of herself with Miracle, who is wearing a Santa hat. Cas sends a “heart” reaction to the photo, then snaps a selfie of himself to reply. As he hits “send” he notices a familiar smirk in the background.

He turns around to greet Crowley, who smirks again as the barista mispronounces “Castiel” as “Cas-tile.” Grabbing his coffee, Cas looks for a place to sit. 

“Have a seat, won’t you,” Crowley invites, gesturing to the chair across from himself. Cas gratefully sits and shrugs out of his coat. 

“Thank you. I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Cas says. 

Crowley shakes his head. “Not at all, I’m just taking a few minutes to gather myself before dodging the next group of students who want me to alter their grade. Why they haven’t all gone home yet is a mystery.”

Cas smiles. “I taught a few classes while I was in grad school, myself. I can’t imagine doing so full-time.” Taking a deep breath, he confesses, “I would really like to drink some alcohol. Do you know where I can do that?”

There’s that smirk again. “Yes. I can help you with this.”

\--

Three whiskey sours later, Cas is laughing at Crowley’s tale of a student who tried to guilt trip him into a higher grade because they didn’t realize the midterms and final were mandatory until after final grades were posted. 

Catching his breath, Cas smiles, finally feeling relaxed after the morning and afternoon he’s endured. 

“Thank you,” he says. 

Crowley sips his whiskey, then asks, “Did Dean tell you about me?”

“Just that, you dated in high school.”

“Right. We…dated.” Crowley gazes into his glass, then meets Cas’ eyes. “We were best friends growing up, and then became…more than friends. We started dating, but nobody knew that. We used to leave little gifts in each other’s lockers…mostly books, and we’d inscribe them. 

“One day, one of Dean’s friends – you’ve met Gadreel? – he notices the inscription I’d left in the cover of _Slaughterhouse Five_ , and he asked Dean what that was about.” Crowley pauses to down the remaining whiskey before continuing. “Dean told them that I was gay, and that I wouldn’t leave him alone. Lawrence might be LGBT friendly, but high school is still high school; within a couple of days, everyone found out, and they were pretty awful to me.”

Cas isn’t sure if his stomach is churning because of this story or because he’s had too many drinks. Perhaps both. 

Before Cas can form a response, Crowley produces a smile that might be a bit forced, and exclaims, “But that was a long time ago.”

Cas finds himself slumping in his seat, unwilling to reconcile his Dean with the Dean Crowley is describing. It hurts too much, to know they might still be the same Dean. His Dean is still in the closet, after all. His Dean still won’t tell his family that he’s in a relationship, let alone with a man, with Cas, and there’s a chance Dean might not ever tell his family. And Cas is really starting to question if he’s willing to stay with someone who won’t come out to his own parents. 

A buzzing pulls Cas from his rumination, and he grabs for his phone. Dean has messaged him, finally.

_ >>I’m at Swayze’s with the guys, join us? <3_

_ <<On my way_

Cas looks up, sees Crowley shaking his head softly. “I can guess what that look means. Go on, then. I hope it works out in your favor.”

“Thank you, Crowley. Truly. Have a good evening.” Cas drops enough cash onto the table to cover both their tabs and stands. “Will you be at the Winchester’s party tomorrow evening?”

“Oh, yes. Never miss it. That White Elephant game is entertaining.”

Cas chuckles, then admits “I still haven’t found something for that.”

Crowley smiles at this and replies, “I can help you with that. Give me a call tomorrow, yeah?”

Cas nods, then thanks him again, and heads into the chill night. 

\--

The bar Dean is in feels nothing like the one Cas just left. Maybe it’s just that Crowley was genuinely happy to have a few drinks with Cas, while Dean’s friends seem merely tolerant of his presence. Benny at least nods in greeting, while Lee and Gadreel don’t even bother to acknowledge Cas’ presence. For his part, Dean smiles and calls his name, but doesn’t bother to touch him. Cas reminds himself that Dean is still hiding, but this reminder is less helpful when Dean throws an arm around Benny’s shoulders while laughing at a joke. 

When Lisa shows up, Cas decides he has tortured himself enough for the night. He waves to get Dean’s attention, then leans in to explain that he has a headache and would like to head back. 

“Oh,” Dean sounds surprised. “Well, I’d like to visit with my friends a bit more, is that okay?”

Cas tries to smile, though it comes out as more of a grimace. “Yes, Dean, that’s fine. I’m just going to get an Uber and go to sleep.” _Uber, why didn’t I think of that this morning?_ Cas silently chides himself. Maybe that has something to do with Dean’s inability to say “no” to his mother, she just has some sort of command to her that people do what she says, regardless of whether a logical alternative exists.

Dean smiles and turns back to his friends. Cas thinks he does a good job of hiding his hurt; it probably doesn’t matter, no one is paying attention as he leaves the bar anyway.

_\--_

When he returns to the basement bedroom, Cas sends a quick text to Dean to let him know he’s safe. Half an hour later, after Cas has gone through his bedtime routine, there is still no answer. Cas sends another message, asking Dean to let him know when he’s back. He waits a few minutes, then sends one more before turning out the light.

The first thing Cas does upon waking the next morning is check his phone. The three messages he sent Dean last night are still the most recent three messages on there. Dean didn’t even respond to the last I love you text Cas sent him.

\-- 

Cas doesn’t even bother with the kitchen that morning, instead planning to grab coffee when he meets up with Crowley. He calls an Uber and slips out of the house unnoticed. Maybe he’s testing Dean, maybe he’s just trying to avoid Sam and Mary.

He orders breakfast and coffee at the same coffee shop he visited the day before, and ducks into a corner to call Charlie. He’s just calling to ask about Miracle, he tells himself – then proceeds to tell Charlie about everything that happened yesterday, from Mary kicking him out of the house to running into Crowley to Dean ignoring him at the bar and how Cas isn’t even sure if Dean went back to his parents’ house last night. 

At the end of it, Cas is surprised he isn’t crying. He is, however, shaking, and he isn’t quite sure if it’s from fear or anger. 

“Cas? Cas, are you still there?” Charlie must have asked him something, but he’s not sure what it was. 

"Yeah, Charlie, I’m here. I’m just…I’m gonna go, the Winchesters are having this party tonight that I have to buy a gift for, and I’ll be home day after tomorrow. Thanks for taking care of Miracle, really, and I love his Santa hat. See you soon.” With that, Cas ends the call and drops his phone on the table, then drops his head into his hands.

How many minutes he sits like that, Cas isn’t sure. He looks up when Crowley sits in the seat across from him.

“I take it that phone call didn’t go very well?”

Cas huffs out a laugh. “No, the phone call was fine, it’s last night that didn’t go well. But today is a new day,” he says determinedly, “so let’s go shopping.”

_\--_

Less than an hour later Cas is feeling better. Crowley is good company, and having grown up around the Winchesters, knows exactly what to suggest for Cas’ gift-giving dilemma.

"Are you sure?” Cas asks. “A mini-doughnut factory doesn’t really seem like something anyone would want.”

“Trust me, darling, these people will fight each other over one of these. Oh, look, there’s your man,” Crowley nods across the street, where Dean and Adam are coming out of a gourmet shop, arms laden with bags. Adam is talking at Dean, who is juggling his phone and a bag and doesn’t appear to notice Cas and Crowley.

Cas gazes at Dean, who fumbles his phone, manages to catch it, then turns to Adam and barks something before storming off down the street. Adam makes eye contact with Cas and waves, then hurries after Dean.

_\--_

The party is in full swing. Mary and John situate themselves next to the tree, seated on chair as though holding court in the living room. Dozens of people mill about, most with drinks in their hands. Dean is serving drinks to the latest group of guests to arrive, while Sam and Ruby are standing off to the side, Sam with his arm around Ruby and both smiling like they’re being recorded.

Cas has grabbed a glass from a tray of drinks and is sitting in one of the folding chairs set up in anticipation of the White Elephant gift opening. He tries very hard to ignore that Lisa is standing next to the bar, leaning towards Dean whenever he glances her way. This might be easier to achieve if his drink had a higher alcohol content, but Cas supposes that if he drinks enough of them he will get drunk eventually, and once he’s drunk maybe he won’t care that Dean’s high school girlfriend is very obviously trying to flirt with him.

Movement to his left alerts him a second before Crowley sits down.

“What are you drinking?” Crowley asks.

“It’s some kind of spiced…alcohol,” Cas answers.

“Gross. Can I have some?”

Cas smirks and hands over the glass.

Suddenly, Dean is standing beside Cas, glaring daggers at Crowley.

“Cas, can I talk to you for a moment?” Dean asks.

“Yes, of course, Dean,” Cas answers, standing up and following Dean into the kitchen.

Once they reach the table, Dean whirls on Cas. “You wanna tell me what the hell you’re doing with Crowley out there?” He demands.

Cas blinks a few times, trying to process the question and Dean’s rage. “I’m not sure what you mean,” he finally answers.

“You. Crowley. Having drinks. Going _shopping_ together, I saw you this morning, what the _hell,_ Cas?”

Whatever patience Cas has left, burns with this accusation.

“Crowley is the only person in this town, who hasn’t been a complete dick to me this week. And that includes you, Dean. So, yes, I am sitting with the one person who doesn’t look at me like I’m some piece of garbage they need to remove. But that doesn’t mean what you think it does, Dean.”

“CAS!”

Both Dean and Cas turn towards the kitchen door, as Charlie barrels down the hallway.

“Charlie?”

Charlie slides to a stop at the granite-topped island and glances behind her. Sure enough, Mary is striding after her, a stormy look on her face.

“Cas! Okay, I’m here to rescue you, get your stuff-“

“Castiel, who is this woman?” Mary asks, armed crossed, mouth flat.

“This? This is, this is Charlie,” Cas stutters.

“Is this the woman who broke up with you?”

Charlie’s eyes widen as her jaw drops. Under other circumstances, Cas wishes he could take a picture; as it is, he implores Charlies with his eyes to play along. Luckily, Charlie has been Cas’ friend for long enough that she understands.

“Um. Yes. Ma’am. I am,” Charlie responds.

Mary’s expression pinches even more. Cas wonders briefly if Botox would make her less scary, and decides it probably won’t.

“Well. I wish I had known you were coming, is all. Castiel could have told me.” At this, Mary directs her glare to Cas, who immediately hunches his shoulders in a facsimile of chagrin. Mary hums at his display, then turns to Dean. “Dean, it’s time to start the White Elephant, I need you out there now. And Sam, if you can find him.”

“Yeah, Mom, I’ll be right out there,” Dean replies.

Mary nods and stalks out of the kitchen. 

Cas adjusts his posture and looks at Dean. “Your mother needs you, Dean. We can talk later.” 

Dean starts to object when he notices Sam lurking behind the kitchen door, a knowing grin on his face. 

“Oh, this is going to be great,” he says. “It’ll certainly take the spotlight off of me for a bit.”

Dean pales, then grips at the countertop. “Sam, please, don’t. You’re wrong, whatever it is you’re thinking.”

Sam snorts. “Yeah, sure, Dean. You’re not in the middle of some lovers’ spat with your boyfriend here.”

“Sam,” Dean looks a bit desperate now, moving to grab his brother by the arms. “Sam, please, you cannot tell Mom and Dad, okay? They can’t know, Sam, please.” Sam moves down the hall to the living room, Dean following him, begging him to stop the entire time.

Cas is already shaky from the confrontation with Dean and then Mary. Now, he feels like his legs won’t hold him up. Charlie is at his side in an instant, an arm around his waist, guiding him towards the front door. They reach the foyer in time to hear Dean shout, “He’s _lying! I’m not gay!”_

At this, Cas finds his strength again. He stops and stares at Dean, the man he loves, the man he thought he loved, the man he thought he would marry. He watches Dean yell his denial, and it’s like glass shattering, only it’s his heart, and Cas knows he can’t stay here another moment. Dean looks at him, his eyes wide, pleading with him not to leave. Yesterday, Cas might have stayed. Tonight, though, Cas reaches for the doorknob, turns it, and walks out.

_\--_

Halfway down the driveway, Cas realizes he’s made a mistake. He certainly made a statement, but he failed to account for the below-freezing temperatures and his lack of coat, hat, gloves, or even decent socks. He huddles against a car to block the wind, debating if he could sneak through the back door to grab some cold weather gear, when Charlie appears by his side, holding his coat. 

“Let’s talk a walk, okay?” Charlie says. Cas nods, and shrugs into his coat.

They don’t walk very far; it’s cold and despite their coats, neither is wearing gloves and Cas is wearing dress socks and shoes. They wander down the street past the cars lined up for the Winchesters’ party, though. 

Charlie watches Cas, who studies the light display blinking in time with a tinny recording of “Deck the Halls.” Cas tries to find the words he needs, finally settling on “I don’t think that Dean loves me as much as I thought he did.”

Charlie grabs his hand. “Cas, Dean coming out to his parents has nothing to do with you,” she says firmly. “What happened when you came out to your parents?”

Cas blinks, surprised at the question. Charlie knows this story. “My dad called me a disgrace, and my mom said she loved me no matter what, then filed for divorce a week later.” 

Charlie smiles. “Right. And what happened when I came out?”

This story is less nice. “Your roommates told you to pack up and leave that night, and you stayed with me and Mom until she passed.”

Charlie smiles again, a bit sad this time. “Right. And how many people get kicked out of their homes by their own parents, for being gay? It’s a scary thing to do, Cas. Just because Dean isn’t ready now, doesn’t mean he never will be. And it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you.”

The blinking light display has cycled on to “Little Town of Bethlehem.” Cas’ toes are going numb. They need to go back inside, but he isn’t sure he is ready to face what waits for him there.

“I love Dean, but I don’t think I can be with someone who’s hiding who he is from his own family,” Cas confesses. Charlie’s smile is sad, but her hug is warm. 

_\--_

The cars start to leave, and when there are only a few remaining Cas steps gingerly back inside the house. The Winchesters are still gathered in front of the tree, although now the tree is leaning at a severe angle and several of the ornaments are missing. Five faces turn towards Cas, whose stomach has decided to start twisting painfully inside him.

“I’m just going to grab my things,” he says quietly. 

Mary sniffs and looks away, while Sam and John glare at him. Adam sends him a look that could be sympathy or pity, Cas doesn’t know him well enough to guess. And Dean…Dean looks like he might crumble to bits right there.

Cas moves quickly, thankful he’s used his suitcase as a laundry bag and only has to grab his toiletries and phone charger. He makes a final check of the drawer and under the bed and stands up to find Dean in front of him again.

“Please, don’t do this, Cas,” he says.

Cas didn’t think his heart could break even _more,_ but there it is.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

_\--_

Cas rushes out the house, throws his suitcase in the back of Charlie’s hatchback, and climbs in the passenger seat. “Let’s get out of here,” he says, and Charlie nods and throws the car in gear. She doesn’t say anything, about the party, about Dean, about the tears now streaming down Cas’ face. She just drives.

_\--_

An hour later, Charlie is refueling the car while Cas buys coffee and energy drinks. He debates whether to buy some beef jerky and grabs a slice of pie before catching himself – these are Dean’s favorites, not his. He leaves the jerky, but buys the pie anyway. Maybe the sugar and preservatives will help loosen the knot that clenches at his heart. 

He exits the gas station to hear a familiar growl, as Dean’s ’67 Chevy pulls into the service station. Cas freezes. The driver’s side door flies open and Dean rushes out, slipping on the ice.

“Cas! Cas, please, please just hear me out? I told them. I really did, Dad is furious at me and Mom is crying and I don’t really care about them because _I love you_ and that matters way more to me than being what my parents want me to be. I’m sorry, Cas. I know I screwed up this week, big time, I know I’m going to spend the rest of my life making up for it, but please, Cas, will you let me try?”

Cas can’t move. On one hand, he wants desperately to fling himself into Dean’s arms, on the other he wants to flee forever.

“Dean, I don’t kn-“

His phone chimes, in time with Dean’s, and he welcomes the distraction. Cas pulls his phone from his pocket to see a new message notification, from a Lawrence area code. He looks at Dean, who is still watching him, eyes wide, pleading.

“Dean, whose number is this?”

Startled, Dean glances at the display. “That’s…Adam? Why would he…” Dean opens his own messages. “Cas. Open it, please. I’m telling you the truth. I would rather have you than them.”

Cas opens the message to find a video, taken from the couch in the Winchesters’ living room. John and Mary look ready to snap, and Dean looks…Cas glances at Dean, then at Charlie, who has made her way to Cas’ side, and then back down at the phone. He presses “play.”

_“-ad, Mom, I should have told you this years ago. I’m gay. Cas is my boyfriend, not my roommate. And I love him. And I need to fix things between him and me, right now, because I don’t know that I can live without him.”_

_John starts shouting at the same time Mary bursts into tears, and Dean rushes out of the room, the sound of the front door slamming following a moment later. Sam’s voice floats over the scene, a smug “I told you,” before the camera jostles and Adam’s face fills the screen._

_“Wow, that was awesome. Dean, I love you, I want you to know that I support you even if these assholes don’t. Cas, I hope you can forgive my brother, because I think you’re pretty cool and I’d like to see you and Dean at my graduation this spring. Merry Christmas.”_

The video ends.

Cas blinks, once, twice, then looks up at Dean, whose face has shifted from desperate to hopeful.

“Cas? Can you say something? I meant what I said, I’m not sure that I can live without you, but if you tell me to leave I will.”

Cas’ lips on Dean’s are all the answer he needs.


End file.
